


I'll Wrap My Arms Around You Now

by cxddlecalum



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Body Image, Cuddles, Depression, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, Everyone is an idiot, Fluff, Gay, I Love You All, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, Lashton - Freeform, M/M, Most of the time, SO MICH FLUFF, SUCH FLUFF, Smoking, and then hes really not, are these funny, ashton is oblivious, ashtons an idiot, bye, calum is cuddle deprived, calums not really an idiot but kind of idiot, does anyone even read these, everyones gay, i forgot things, i had to add that, i usually do bc they're sometimes funny, idek what this is, idk how to tag, if your easily ed triggered be careful, im an idiot, im stopping now, implied eating disorders, love me, luke knows too much, lukes an idiot, michaels an idiot, michaels sad and wont cuddle calum, much fluff, no, not really - Freeform, self hate, there is fan interaction but brife, this is about cuddling, this is my first thing posted on ao3, this is possibly triggering, this is sad, this took me ages pls read, wait, youre beautiful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-02-10 20:34:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2039199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cxddlecalum/pseuds/cxddlecalum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He remembers feeling the material against his bare stomach, he remembers taking his arm that had been wrapped around the duvet and ran it over his stomach. He felt [i]podgy[/i]. He wasn't fat, Michael knew that, of course he did, he just, his stomach wasn't flat or muscular, and when he was on his side like that with his knees tucked up it flabbed a bit and that shouldn't have been a big deal cause you know, it's just the position he's lying in, but it was a big deal, it [i]bugged him[/i].</p><p>or</p><p>The one where Michael is very insecure about his body and stops letting Calum cuddle him but Calum like to cuddle, cuddling is very important to their relationship and Calum is cuddle deprived and frustrated and Luke knows too much and Ashton is adorable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Wrap My Arms Around You Now

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work in the 5sos fandom and also on ao3 bc i usually use mibba but there is very little 5sos anything on mibba so here i am. 
> 
> this took me weeks to write bc i wanted it to be perfect for my first fic on here and yeah i just
> 
> this is based off me, michael is basically me, uhm, comments and kudos and stuff would be nice but you dont have i mean like its not the law or whatever
> 
> pls
> 
> PLAYLIST:  
> YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO THESE SONGS WHILE READING THIS
> 
> "Crash" by You Me At Six  
> "Stay" By Sam Smith  
> "Passenger Seat" (acoustic version well it doesn't have to be but its better) By The Summer Set

  
“Urgh, Mikey that was amazing,” Calum pants as he rolls over onto his back, his boyfriend of over a year in the exact same position on his left. They both had been exhausted from the show that night but somewhat harmless pre-sleep kisses (their kisses well always passionate) had somehow led to something much more interesting and enjoyable for both boys.  
  
Even though it had been amazing (as always) Calum couldn’t help but feel like Mikey had just been using sex as a distraction, a distraction from what he’s not sure, but Michael had been the one complaining about exhaustion, refusing an offer from the other half of his band for beer and Xbox (this was strange enough; Michael never turned down beer and Xbox), and it wasn’t until Calum had snuggled closer to his boyfriend, had the older of the two actually initiated anything sexual.  
  
“mhmm, yeah it was,” Michael sighs, “you know I love you right?” the elder asks, Calum cant help but frown a little, they had been together for so long, and had been in love with each other for almost double the time they had been dating (it took Luke and Ashton basically forcing them to admit their feelings for each other for them to actually buck up and once together Michael and Calum had ironically enough had to do the exact same thing to the other half of their band). Of course he knows that Michael loves him, why on earth would his boyfriend even think that Calum didn’t know this.  
  
“Obviously I do Mikey and you know that I love you too. More than I could put into words, you are perfect to and for me, okay?” Calum replies, rolling over onto his side to cuddle into his boyfriend, he wraps an arm around the elders waist, laying his head on his chest and letting Michaels heart beat lull him into sleep. He is totally ready to fall asleep curled up against him and is already half asleep when he feels Michael sigh quietly, (and almost sadly) and he is fast asleep when Michael rolls away from his embrace, before he too is falling asleep what feels like alone.  
  
When Calum wakes up the next morning Michael is gone, and Calum cant help but feel a little cold, empty even, almost as if his body wasn’t used to the lack of another’s heat. Subconsciously he knew they hadn’t fallen asleep holding each other as he hoped they would. He refused to accept this however, Mikey loved to cuddle and well, everyone knows that Calum himself is one of the cuddliest people on the planet, he loves it more than anything(except you know, Michael, his parents and sister, his band). The fact that two people can feel comfortable enough to lie in each others space, breathing each others air, holding each other bodies close, the intimacy of it just made him smile, made him more content than anything in the world.  
  
This is the exact reason he just dismisses it as his boyfriend being in one of his little funks, Michael was complicated, sometimes he would just shut down for a few days, and stop really feeling anything that wasn’t in some way negative and he just hated life for a few days before he would snap out of it. Calum always stood by him during these times, but then again usually Mikey would try and cuddle Calum as much as possible during these times, he craved the love and comfort. This time was different of course.  
  
Again however, Calum thought nothing serious of it; his boyfriend would be back to normal in no time.

 

*~**~*

 

Two days later Michael still isn’t back to normal and Calum really is worrying, not overly, just a little, just a sort of nagging concern at the back of his mind. He and Michael hadn’t cuddled at all for the last few days and Calum was truly starting to miss the embrace of the boy he loved with all his heart.  
  
Of course life goes on as normal however, they don’t cuddle, but they still sit close to each other, hold hands, Michael will still lie with his head on Calums lap, (but only if the tan male is sitting upright and isn’t touching Mikey in anyway) and its okay. They are recording at the moment, so there isn’t much for the boys to do in their free time, meaning there is a lot of gamming, partying and general fucking about going on.  
  
It’s a Wednesday, a day they all actually hate, its too far away from the previous weekend to complain about still being tired or whatever, but also still too far away from the upcoming weekend to be excited, it’s a mute day. The only person who has to go the studio that day is Luke; they found a fault (systems fault, no human error involved – fuck background noise) in the vocals he had recorded with Michael the day before, even though Mikey’s had turned out fine, so they called him back in, wanting to get them out the way before moving onto what they would record next.  
  
They other three fourths of 5 Seconds of Summer were bored, in fact, bored is an understatement, it was raining, heavily in true British fashion, in July, which considering the boys were used to winter being in July anyway, wasn’t exactly the concern, it was the act that July is supposed to be Britain’s summer. It doesn’t rain like this in summer. Calum and Michael would usually spend these kind of days cuddled up in bed totally wrapped up in each other, they would talk about anything and everything, laugh about nothing, eat too much food while still in bed and them complain about getting crumbs in the bed (they wouldn't have it any other way though), they'd okay video games or watch movies, but of course with the way Michael keeps pushing Calum away that isn’t a possibility. Ashton is just bored without his boyfriends presence, you wouldn’t know it but Luke was probably the weirdest of them all (they’re all pretty damn weird), he provided the boys with endless hours of entertainment, especially his boyfriend who found everything Luke did the funniest thing on the planet (and it was worth it to hear Ashton laugh, they all agreed it was the cutest thing on the fucking planet), so yes, Ashton just wanted his boyfriend with him to keep him company and amuse his continuously over stimulated self.  
  
They were all in the living room, Michael lying on his back on the floor, Ashton on a lazy boy, backwards and sort of upside down, Calum sprawled across a three seater couch, there was a movie on but it was fucking boring and none of them was actually paying attention to it.  
  
“Michael, come cuddle me.” Calum shouts, literally shouts at the top of his voice very unnecessarily but in very Calum fashion, making Ashton jump and essentially backwards roll off the lazy boy, it was his own fault, no one told him to sit like an idiot. Michael and Calum both start laughing, a little bit at first, before they catch a glimpse of Ashton's face, he looks completely dazzled, as if he has no idea what had actually just happened. This causes the two younger’s to crack up even more, full on belting laughs escaping them as tears roll down their cheeks and they are forced to cradle their stomachs from laughing so much.  
  
Michael sobers up much quicker than Calum had, in fact, out of no where he stops laughing, and his entire demeanour changes. He’s not even smiling anymore, he quickly unwraps his arms from his stomach, sitting up now, with his hands in his lap, his gaze not leaving them.  
  
Ashton had already joined in with the boy’s laughter (and it was adorable), finding his own downfall quite hilarious as well, and Calum had his eyes screwed shut as more bouts of laughter escaped him. Neither of the still laughing boys noticed Michael standing up and walking out the room, tears of a different kind slipping down his pale and slightly drained face.  
  
The currently pink and brown and something haired boy made his way to the upper level of their shared house, walking past the bedroom he shares with Calum but going straight for the bathroom, at the end of the hall. He double checks his pockets for his phone and everything else he needs, sighing in relief when he realises he wont have to return down the stairs.  
  
He closes and locks the door behind him, turns the shower on as hot as it can go, dampening down a towel before rolling it and placing it at the bottom of the door, covering the small gap to the floor. He sits on the floor, pulling out his phone and quickly flicking to his music, finding “Nicotine” By P!ATD, and putting I on repeat. By this point the room had completely filled with steam, he gets up switching the overhead fan on, lights a single candle and opens the window just a tiny crack. He settled on the floor again, his legs straight out in front of him, slouched back resting against the wall. He then pulls out a deck of twenty cigarettes (that only has seven left) and a lighter.  
  
He takes a single cig from the deck, bringing it to his lips, holding it steady between them before sparking his lighter. He brings the flame to the end of the fag and breaths in deeply, watching the end light up bright orange in a perfect circle before letting the lighters flame die and breathing out the smoke. He watches at it completely disappears, evaporates in the steam from the shower. He continues this, letting his eyes flutter shut as his lungs fill with the not so druggy drug and Brendon Urie's voice fills his ears.  
  
He continues this until he only had three cigarettes let in his packet, two for later on in the day and one for first thing in the morning, he knows he'll be out at the studio again tomorrow, so he knows he will have a chance to buy more. Smoking takes away his hunger so he isn’t concerned about the amount he is smoking. He just doesn’t care.  


*~**~*

  
Almost two weeks later Calum has almost had enough, Michael has not cuddled with him since that night and his concern and worry has reached an all time high. It's obvious something is wrong, but usually if there was a problem Michael would come to him and would tell him what was bothering him. That's how they worked, how they had always gotten past any issues. The fact that they were best friends before becoming boyfriends meant that they already told each other everything, they already trusted each other with ever insecurity, every issue with themselves and any other problem they could possibly be having.  
  
They work and strive of truth and trust but right now Calum isn't getting any of that from his boyfriend. Nothing else in their relationship has really changed, they still go on date whenever they can, they still have sex, they still exchange 'I love you's multiple times a day. They still joke around and have fun and bandter and everything else they had been doing previously. They just don't cuddle.  
  
When watching a movie or TV or gaming instead of sitting as close to each other as possible, Michael will always sit away from Calum, never noticeably so that the other boys had show any concern, Michael would simply chose to sit in the floor at Calum's feet, or he would sit with his legs tucked under him in a way he was facing away from Calum, things like that. After they have sex or even are just going to sleep Michael will face away from Calum in bed and if Calum tries to spoon him he will tense up or roll away pretending to be asleep or he'll complain it's too warm. He'll lie on his stomach so that it's basically impossible for Calum to comfortably hold him. He does anything to get out of being held by, or holding his boyfriend, and Calum is starting to feel like Michael doesn't want him anymore.  
  
Cuddling had always been a major thing in their relationship, of course it had been they are cuddly people. It was one of their main sources of intimacy and comfort. One of the many (and definitely more publicly acceptable) ways of showing each other they loved, appreciated and cared for one another. It was _important_ to their relationship and Calum was really missing it as well.  
  
His cuddle withdrawal caused frustration was pushed over the edge when he got home from the studio with Ashton the next Friday after the Ashton chair incident. He was exhausted, mentally and physically drained, and really all he wanted right there and then was to curl up in their bed together, laptop between them playing some show they both loved on Netflix, held tight in each other's arms.  
  
However, what he was greeted with when he came home quite different to why he expected, he's not sure what he expected, maybe Luke and Michael playing FIFA, eating pizza, but not this.  
  
"What the fuck." Is all he says to his two band mates, completely emotionless.  
  
Luke and Michael are cuddling. Michael was flat on his back with Luke draped half across him, Michael had one of his arms above Luke’s head, resting on the youngest member of their bands back, the other in a fist on his chest, he looked slightly uncomfortable as Luke rubbed his stomach affectionately, before Calum has spoken it looked as if Luke was whispering things to Michael, but of course as soon as Calum spoke the whispers and movements of Luke’s hand ended. Now, as a band they are collectively cuddly and usually this wouldn't have bothered Calum, he would have coo'd at the two before announcing he wanted his boyfriend back or he would propose a full band cuddle and everything would be hunky dory. But no, not this time.  
  
If Michael could cuddle Luke, if he would let Luke wrap his arms around him and hold him tight why wouldn't he let his boyfriend? How could he turn away every display of affection Calum offered him but accept Luke's? It didn't make sense but Calum wasn't sure if he wanted to understand it. It was right then that the fourth member of their band chose to bound in, excitedly yelling about it being the weekend and fuck knows how that boy managed to have so much energy all the time.

  
"AWWW ARE WE GONNA HAVE A BAND CUDDLE?!" Ashton yells once he has stopped beside Calum, he is clearly oblivious to the tension in the room.  
  
"Uhm, no I think we should go do something, uh, else ash, uhm yeah come on" Luke, the youngest and still somewhat awkward member manages to stutter out. He stands up and grabs the eldest's hand, leaving Mikey to sit up on the couch by himself.  
  
Ashton gives him a strange look, confusion evident, before he looks at Calum, rage clear on his face and then at Michael who is staring at the ground. He, even though still confused (why would Calum be annoyed at Luke and Michael cuddling? Luke was Ashton’s boyfriend and he couldn’t care less? Like good on them for a having an innocent wee cuddle) scurries after Luke out the room, shooting his two best friends concerned glances before shutting the door behind him.  
  
Calum remains standing where he is, his fists ball together at his sides, he closes his eyes while taking a deep breath. He doesn't want to shout at Michael, he doesn't want to have an argument but he is just so fucking frustrated. He calms himself enough that his fists unclench and he is able to slowly make his way to sitting beside Michael on the couch.  
  
Calum can't get his words out, he doesn't know what it is he wants to say, wants to ask. He doesn't really have any reason to be annoyed, it's not like he walked in on the kissing or anything like that. He shudders at the thought, causing Michael to finally turn around, to look Calum directly in the eyes. They stare at each other, Michaels eyes and face and demeanour is defensive, closed, withdrawn. There is an element of guilt held beneath the fear in his eyes. Cal feels his heart break slightly.  
  
"I'm, uh, I'm sorry" Michael mutters. He wants to explain to Calum, he does, more than anything he wants to tell cal the truth but he can't.  
  
Calum sighs, he can't help the thoughts rushing through his mind, is he not good enough for Michael anymore? Does his boyfriend not love him anymore? Does he not want to be close to him? Does Calum repulse Michael to a point where his boyfriend doesn't want to hold him? Is Michael forcing himself to be in the relationship?  
  
A single tear rolls down Calum's cheek, "I'm so tired," he sighs out more than says, it's barely a whisper, but Michael hears it, and his heart breaks. He reaches up to wipe away Calum's tear, but the younger boys moves away, "no. No, you're not allowed to do that! You're not allowed to make me feel like this, you're not allowed to make me feel like shit about myself and then comfort me when I don't even know what's wrong with you! Clearly something is going on, because you won't fucking touch me unless we are having sex or holding hands! And even then, when we hold hands you don't stand or sit as close to me, when we have sex I feel like you're forcing yourself!"  
  
Michael flinches, he is shocked and distraught, he didn't realise Calum had noticed that he had been doing all of these things, he didn't think Calum noticed that he was slowly but surely pushing the tan boy away from him, emotionally and physically.  
  
"Why will you let Luke touch you but not me? Am I not good enough?" The questions leave Calum's lips in a sob, his frustration still present, instead choosing to reveal itself through desperation and sadness than through anger. He is just so fed up.  
  
Michael says nothing. He wants to say everything, he wants to tell Calum the truth, wants to tell Calum that he is more than enough, that he is too much, too good for Michael. He wants to tell him how much he loves him but how much he hates himself. He wants Calum to know everything but he can't fucking say it. He can't do it. So instead he sighs, runs a hand through his hair, mutters a completely true and heart felt 'I love you' and stands, walking away from his boyfriend with tears in his own eyes and into the upstairs bathroom. He doesn't leave the bathroom until his packet (that had been nearly full) is empty, and so are his tear ducts.

 

*~**~*

  
  
Michael really hates himself. He had always been insecure, always sort of wished he would wake up and his life would have been a dream and he was someone else entirely, he wasn't a complete nerd, he wasn't a loser, his hair wasn't stupid colours or dry as the Sahara desert, he wished he wasn't chubby or stupid or awkward. He wishes he didn't have to hide all of his self hatred. He wishes it didn't exist in the first place.  
  
And yeah, he knows this is fucking stupid, he has a fucking amazing life, he's in a famous fucking band, he has everything he could have ever wanted, fans that adore and support him and his music, three best friends who mean the world to him and care about him, he has a family who supports everything he has ever done because it makes him happy and he has Calum. He has a boyfriend who is so fucking in love with him, who would do absolutely anything for him and to make him happy. Calum accepts him for who he is, he accepts his little bouts of depression, his unholy lack of a brain to mouth filter, his idiotic sense of humour and his genuine lack of care about pretty much everything.  
  
Why on earth would Michael wish he didn't have this life? It's a great life right? Yeah. It is. But Michael would give it _all_ up just to feel comfortable in his own skin.  
  
He's not sure when it started, yeah, Michael knew he wasn't 'buff' or 'toned' or 'built' like the other guys in the band (especially Calum), and really it hadn't bothered him, he was perfectly comfortable with his appearance, with his _weight_. In fact he took great pride in it, he took pride in the fact he didn't have to be 'buff' or 'toned' or 'built' to feel good about himself.  
  
He just remembers, there was one night (they were back in Australia at the time), he was sleeping alone as Calum had gone to a friends place for the night and Michael had opted to stay home. He was lying in bed, it was a hot an humid night, so he had chosen to bundle the duvet at the side of the bed and cuddle into it, he had flung a leg over it, wrapped an arm around it and put his head on it, exactly how he would if it were another person (Calum who often preferred sleeping on his back).  
  
He remembers feeling the material against his bare stomach, he remembers taking his arm that had been wrapped around the duvet and ran it over his stomach. He felt _podgy_. He wasn't fat, Michael knew that, of course he did, he just, his stomach wasn't flat or muscular, and when he was on his side like that with his knees tucked up it flabbed a bit and that shouldn't have been a big deal cause you know, it's just the position he's lying in, but it was a big deal, it _bugged him_.  
  
So he moved. It was making him uncomfortable he couldn't help but imagine the duvet was actually Calum, when they would cuddle like that could Calum _feel_ Michael's flab against him? Did it not disgust him?  
  
Michael had rolled over, away from the duvet so his back was too it, as if he was gonna be little spoon, but that was even worse, his knees were tucked up even more in this position causing his stomach to actually _roll_. He had just felt a small crease in his skin when he raised his knees just a little too high but it made Michael feel physically ill. How could Calum wrap his arms around him when that's what he would feel under his fingers?! How could Calum hold that close to him without being disgusted?!  
  
After that, Michael had rolled so he was flat on his back, thinking that yeah, that would be best, his stomach would be more spread out, no opportunity for creased skin or podge. He lay flat, and had run a single hand from about his mid thigh up to his chest and felt tears begin forming in his eye lids as he did. He could feel when his hips/waist ended and his stomach began, because even lying on his back, even flat out the way he was, his stomach was still slightly raised against the flat of his hips, just the smallest amount, but it was there. That little but of flab that was so fucking obvious to him, must have been even more obvious to Calum.  
  
Michael had then rolled onto his front, so he was lying on his stomach, he had buried his head into his pillow and cried himself to sleep, completely ignoring the duvet he had previously intended on cuddling against.  
  
That had been months ago but Michael hadn't really been the same since, he tried his very best not to let it show, not to let it show how much he had started detesting his body. He made changes gradually, wore baggier clothes, (apart from jeans of course because yes he might not be happy with stomach but he knows he had great legs), he was very rarely seen topless anymore in public, around the band he was almost comfortable, he wore long sleeved more when he started disliking, not hating, just disliking his arms, little things.  
  
That's the hardest part for Michael really, the fact he knows he doesn't have a terrible body, yeah his arms aren't like Ashton's but that's (almost,) okay, it's just his stomach. He has nice legs, knows that for a fact, it's just his stomach. He hates his stomach. Absolutely fucking hates it with a burning passion.  
  
Calum's mad at him. Michael knows that too, but he still can’t bring himself to admit what he is feeling to his boyfriend. Luke knows, that's why Michael was okay cuddling him that day, he was sort of using Luke, he wanted to feel comfortable enough to cuddle with someone, especially Calum, so he was using Luke as a trial almost, trying to ease himself back into cuddling. Stupid he knows.  
  
If he had it his way though Luke wouldn't know, not a chance would he, the only reason he does know is because he had walked in on Michael in the bathroom, he had been smoking (of course- which none of the boys actually knew about), crying and staring in the mirror, he was topless, running his free hand over his stomach repeatedly, just feeling the little bit of podge that even with the minor changes he had made to his diet he just couldn’t seem to shift.  
  
Luke who had had weight issues when he was younger (he was a really chubby kid there is no denying that) immediately understood what Michael was doing, he had done it himself millions of times over (and sometimes still did but that's not important of course). He had taken the cig from Michaels hand, flushed it down the toilet, turned of the shower and ushered a still crying Michael out of the room without saying a word.  
  
It didn't take long for Michael to lose it, Luke hadn't even said anything he had just sat beside Michael on the bed in Luke's room, and waited. There was nothing he could say until Michael told him what he was thinking.  
After that Luke did everything he could to try and lift Michael out of this depression he had found himself in, Luke was the only person who noticed when Michael was feeling particularly down because the pale boy hid it so damn well from everyone.  
  
After Calum walked in on the two cuddling and he and Michael had had their mini argument thing (that's what Ashton was calling it okay), Calum had been sleeping on the couch, and Michael was even lonelier than before, except this time, when he fell asleep without arms wrapped round him, or a body pressed against his, it wasn't his own doing.  
  
Maybe Calum had finally realised how repulsive Michael actually was.

 

*~**~*

 

They had just gotten off a seven hour flight, Michael wasn't even sure where they were, all he knew was he really needed a fucking cigarette and a shower and bed. It had been almost two weeks since Calum had found Luke and Michael cuddling together on the couch, he had gone back to sleeping in their bed, but he didn't even try to cuddle Michael anymore. It wasn't worth the rejection in Calum's eyes, Michael of course just felt rejected. Even though he had always managed to wriggle (sometimes literally) his way out of Calum's embrace, it had been nice that his boyfriend still tried.  
  
Michael hates flying, like really hates it, it scares the shit out of him, usually he would help them pass by cuddling with Calum and laughing at all the stupid jokes he would make. But of course that's not happening, they are still next to each other, and Calum is still holding Michael's hand, and still told the older boy that he loves him and nodded when Michael returned the sentiment, but really that was the extent of their communication.  
  
Calum had pretty much slept the entire flight after takeoff (which was the hardest part for Michael, don't ask him why he just hates it), he had gotten up a couple of times to use the bathroom or eat something but during those times he wouldn't speak to Michael apart from basic 'excuse me's or 'please' and 'thank you's, it was totally excruciating for Michael because all he really wanted to go was curl against the younger boy and sleep the flight away. But of course, that's wasn't possible.  
  
When they finally landed, Michael could honestly say he's never been happier or more relieved in his whole life, but he is exhausted, mentally and physically. Both his body and mind are lagging, his skin is paler than usual, there are dark bags under his eyes and he can barely keep them open. Every step he takes is jaded, forced, he feels like he might collapse at any second. But his mind, even though exhausted is running a mike a minuet.  
  
Being awake the entire flight (which had been over night so he had now been awake for over 24 hours), had given him far too Much time to think, to think and then rethink and then over think. His head was pounding within three hours of the flight. He had thought about everything, he weight, his life, his career, his family, his friends but most of all he had thought so deeply about Calum.  
  
At first he had just thought about how much he was missing the younger boy, how the fact that he was sitting right next to him and he was there, the fact that all Michael had to do was buck up and tell his boyfriend the truth just made it much worse. Calum was so close, but so out of reach, and Michael was only pushing him further and further away (which really only made Michael hate himself more). His thoughts had spiralled from there of course, from wondering if Calum was going to give up to thinking that it would better for everyone involved if her did. Michael was no where near good enough for Calum (or so he thought), Michael knew he himself would never be able to end their relationship, but he also knew if things kept going the way they were currently that that is exactly what was going to happen, their relationship would fall apart, and Michael knew that he would along with it. Of course, that’s not what Michael wanted, in fact it’s the very last thing he could ever eve want Calum is his lifeline, even when they have fallen out, even when they aren’t on the best of terms, he knows that Calum loves him, and that is the only thing that stops him doing something stupider than what he is already doing. Calums love is what keeps Michael relatively sane, stops him from reverting to old habits, or developing new ones (apart from smoking of course but he doesn’t count that).  
  
Even though Calums love kept him sane he couldn’t help but wonder if it was what was hurting him most of all now, was the fact that Calum loved him making him hate himself even more? As fucked up as that sounds, it makes sence to Michael. Calum loves him despite the fact he had a vile body, despite his flaws, despite his stupidity and inability to do anything right _ever_. You would think this would make Michaels heart swell and make him appreciate Calum and love him even more, because that’s what any sane person would feel and think right? Of course not, all this did was made Michael feel guilty, he felt like he was stopping Calum from getting the things he truly deserves in life, like a better boyfriend. He feels guilty because he doesn’t understand why Calum stays with him, does Calum just feel sorry for him? Is that why? Is it for the sake of the band? He doesn’t deserve Calum.  
  
Michael wants nothing more than to be able to tell Calum everything he is feelings, because je knows rationally that none of its true, he knows that it doesn’t matter what Michael thinks of himself because Calum fucking loves him and that is what’s important. He knows that Calum would tell him to stop being silly and that nothing he was thinking about himself was true, he knows Calum would be so _hurt_ at the fact Michael was feeling and thinking like this and that he hadn’t immediately gone to him for comfort, because if Michael had, if that fist night he had phoned Calum, or if he had spoken to him the next day or night like he should have, none of this would be happening.  
  
So yeah, once in the airport of the country he didn’t know the name of, but he knew was a totally different time zone to the one he had just left in London, he was basically a walking zombie. He had a long sleeved and slightly baggy sweater on, it was black with grey specs through it making it look a little off black and of course it was matched with his tightest somehow comfortable black skinny jeans. He had the sleeves of his jumper pulled over his hands, covering his wrists (he didn’t really like wearing bracelets on places because his wrists and fingers sometimes swelled up and stuff), and he looked like he was about to collapse.  
  
Of course though, there were fans waiting for them, none of the boys have an idea how the fans know when they are flying where or what airport they are going to because quite often cities have more than one airport, but they manage to find out, always. Don’t get this the wrong way, of course Michael loves to meet fans whenever he can, but right at that moment all he wanted to was smoke and then sleep.  
  
The fans could tell he wasn’t feeling great, he was rubbing his eyes, and swaying from side to side, pulling his sleeves further over his hands to say warm (he was doing that so tired im shivery thing that happens), and many had asked him if he was okay. Of course he had replied with a simple, “of course im fine was a long flight but im okay, now wanna take a picture? Got anything you want me to sign?”  
  
Most of them believed it and went with it, because it was technically the truth, one girl however, who was shockingly thin didn’t quite believe it, and when he went to hug her, instead of it being him she was the one whispering in his ear that everything would be okay, to stay strong. Michael couldn’t help but have tears well up in his eyes. He had said it before and he was saying it again, real fans save bands.  
  
Once he pulled away from the tiny girls embrace he looked her up and down again, knowing she must have some kind of eating disorder, yes people are naturally slim and he was aware of that, but this was clearly unnatural. He want to say something, he knows he probably will before he leaves the airport, because how could he not? But she speaks first, “you’re my inspiration, of course I love you all equally and you all mean the world to me, and of course other bands have helped me so much, but you Michael, you’re something special. You inspire me every single day, I wanna be like you, I wanna be able to be proud of who I am, I wanna be comfortable in my own skin, or at least pretend to be,” she manages to stutter out, its clearly difficult when she adds a ‘successfully' to the end of her previous sentence, “you should know that we love you for who you are and you don’t have to change okay? Never stop being you because you're changing and saving lives, you're making a difference.”  
  
He knows he has to say something to this girl now, guilt is eating him up from the inside out, she’s saying all this, how he inspires her, when really its all lies, “Hey, you’re perfect you know that? You are, but do you think you could try for me? Maybe try and eat a little more each day? I know this is sensitive and I know you don’t see what others see when they look at you when you look in the mirror, but you’re a fan of mine, and that means you mean the world to me, and I couldn’t bear to find out something bad had happened to you. So please, try for me?”  
  
He feels a little better after saying it, seeing this girl scared him half to death, he was much more awake now, shocked into reality. Was it possible that that’s what he would look like in the future? Michael wouldn’t call himself anorexic, no way, he still ate, but just not as much, he didn’t snack, ever, anymore. And if he felt peckish in between meal times he would smoke. He skipped breakfast a lot, but well that was more because he was usually rushing or would sleep past any time that could be considered ‘breakfast time’. He had never forced himself to be sick, he had thought about it sure, but he had never done it. Thought of Calum and the more rational side of his brain that was still sort of in control always stopped him before he could.  
But isn’t that how it always starts? Is that how it started for this girl? Just a fleeting thought, a 'what if I did'? Would it be so bad? He was honestly terrified, and as ironic as it is, he felt sick to his stomach, not with disgust, but with guilt. He wanted to hold this girl tight, wanted to do anything he could to make her happy and to not think about herself in the negative ways she clearly did, but here he was thinking the exact same things about himself. How could he preach about loving yourself and respecting your body, how could he tell this girl all the things he did when he was couldn’t even take his own advice? He was a fucking hypocrite.  
  
The last thing he hears before Calum is dragging him away from the tiny, now crying, girl is her small whisper of an “I promise to try” and that’s that more than enough for him. he lets out a couple of tears, which Calum, even though he doesn’t know what they are for, or about, wipes away with the pads of his thumb. He tells Michael he loves him more than anything in the world, and that when Michael is ready to talk, he’ll be waiting.

 

*~**~*

 

It had been two days since Michael had met that fan and they had already returned to London. Michael could lie and say he was happy he was home but he really wasn't. Even though Calum had said what he had in the airport the younger still wasn't speaking to Michael and it was eating away at the older (no pun intended).  
  
Michael had gone straight to bed after returning from the studio that day, he had been with Ashton, and he really did love Ashton to pieces but the eldest's constant energy was exhausting to be around, particularly when you were just not in the mood for it, and really Michael just wasn't.  
  
The three other members of his band and decided the day before that they needed to have a chat, they needed to talk about whatever it was that was going on with Michael, of course Michael wasn't aware of this, otherwise he would have not allowed them the chance.  
  
It had been Calum's idea of course, and Luke was dreading it, there was no way he was going to betray Michael's trust, but he could tell how upset and frustrated Calum was so he knew the kiwi would unintentionally be guilt tripping him.  
  
"I just don't know what to do; I feel like he doesn't love me anymore, it feels like he doesn't want to be with me anymore you know? And I just don't understand why." Calum was saying they had already been talking for about ten minuets, just establishing that yeah, they had all noticed something was wrong.  
  
The broken hearted look in Calum's eyes was almost enough to make Luke spill the beans and tell the other members what was wrong with Michael, but he held it back. It wasn't worth it; he knew Michael would tell Calum eventually even if Luke himself had to force him into doing so.  
  
"Come on cal, we all know that's not true okay? We can all see the look of longing and love in his face whenever he sees you; he's clearly as cut up about whatever is going on as you are!" Ashton replied, and it was the truth, but Ashton didn't know as much about what was happening as the other two did.  
  
Calum knew that Michael was the one pushing him away, it was the older a boys fault they were arguing (or dancing around each other) like they were. So of course, Ashton's words just angered him because it was the truth, Calum could even see it, but that frustrated him more than anything.  
  
"Yeah I know!! But that's the worst fucking part ash! He's the one pushing me away, literally and emotionally, so how can he be? He doesn't have the right to be upset over this because it's his own fault!!" He wasn't shouting, but his voice was raised above his average speaking voice, you could hear the frustration in every syllable he spoke.  
  
"I wish I know how to help you man, honestly I do, but nobody can tell you what's going in inside Michael's head," Luke looked down at Ashton's words, knowing guilt would be plastered all over his face and if Calum saw it he would automatically know he knew something he wasn't saying, or he would assume Michael and Luke were together and cheating together on their respective boyfriends (the were a gay band okay?).  
  
“I think you should just give him time, he'll tell you what’s going on eventually, just please don’t think he doesn’t love you or want you or anything, because that’s the opposite of the truth and we all know that okay?” It’s the best Luke can do without giving the other two too much of a hint that he knows what’s up. Ashton who of course knows Luke’s quirks a little better than anyone in the world can tell the youngest is hiding something, but he of course (unlike Calum would have) doesn’t jump to conclusions. Ashton knows Luke knows what is going on with Michael, and yeah, Ashton may be totally oblivious to almost everything, but he is also attentive and intuitive. Even though he hadn’t really had any idea what was wrong with Michael, he had noticed small things about his body language that had changed, and the way Luke was curled in on himself, with his own arms folded over his stomach Ashton immediately guessed it must have something to with weight. Was Michael going through something that bad? Was he anorexic? Was he feeling really insecure? Should Ashton not have asked him repeatedly to go to the gym with him?  
  
Ashton shakes his head to rid himself of these thoughts, if it was something as truly serious as a fully developed eating disorder there is no way Luke would have kept that to himself, so Ashton calms a little.  
  
“I’m gonna go check on Mikey, maybe go for a nap if he’s sleeping still, I'm going to try and speak to him tomorrow.” Calum sighs and stands up, he rubs his eyes, exhaustion hitting him like a ton of bricks, he’s just so mentally over this whole _thing_ with Michael. He looks back at the other two guys, shaking his head lightly and sighing when he sees that they have already moved closer to each other on the couch and are snuggling up together. Calum feels his heart shatter just a little bit more, he wants that again, he misses his boyfriend so damn much.  
  
He makes his way up the stairs, split between hoping Michael is asleep so he doesn’t awkwardly have to speak to him and hoping the older is maybe awake and is willing to _actually_ talk. When he reaches there bedroom door, which is closed tightly he pauses, he can hear noises inside, noises he really wishes he didn’t recognise, but does. Michael is crying, and fuck, Calum feels so fucking guilty, he knew that his boyfriend was suffering, that was pretty damn obvious to anyone, but he really hadn’t thought he was this upset about it. He had just seemed so numb to the entire situation, which really Calum was kicking himself about now, obviously that was Michaels way of covering up his feelings, it's what he always did, he pretended like he didn’t give a fucking shit, but usually that was just with everyone else, never with Calum, he was always honest with Calum.  
  
He takes a deep breath before pushing the door open and what he sees breaks his heart in so many ways. Michael is lying on the bed, covered with only a thin sheet, he is shirtless (which in itself strikes Calum as odd because recently Michael had been very against taking his clothes off) he had pushed the duvet to the side again (much like he had that first night he discovered his _podge_ ) he had an arm thrown over it pulling it into his chest, his head buried into the pillows on Calums side of the bed (they smelt like him). And he was shaking, his entire body was shaking, violently as loud heartbroken sobs rumbled through Michael. His shoulders were heaving, his back trembling with every movement; his fingers were clenching and unclenching around the duvet. He looked and sounded completely distraught.  
  
Michael wanted to try. He wanted to try so fucking hard for Calum, when he had retreated to his bed early that night he had smoked a few more ciggs than he normally would at night, just to try and calm himself a little more, he had taken a long shower (never looking in the mirror of course) and brushed his teeth while the offensive reflective object was still steamed up.  
  
When he had returned to his bedroom he had slipped on a pair of boxers and nothing else. That was stage one, more often that not Michael would sleep with at least a tee-shirt and shorts on, when in the past more often than not he slept with nothing on. This was a big step for Michael, he knew this was probably (definately) the wrong way to go about this, to force himself into doing things he was no longer _comfortable_ doing. He knew that it would be so much better if he just spoke to Calum, if he just told Calum what was going on inside his recently increasingly more fucked up mind it would be much simpler. He knew that Calum would be able to talk sence into him; he knew that Calum would be able to make him feel better about himself. But he was scared, no, he was fucking terrified. He was petrified to even raise the subject with Calum now, he had heard the conversation going on down stairs (not that any of the boys would _ever_ know that), he knew how much he was hurting Cal, and that this was just gonna hurt him more.  
  
He also knew that Calum might not always be there to pick up his broken pieces, if there was one thing this entire situation had taught him that he actually believed it was that Calum really was far far too good for him. It had made him truly realise how easy it would be for Calum to fall out of love with him (Michael still didn’t really understand why Calum had fallen in love with him in the first place) and if that were to happen, Michael would have to learn to pick up his own pieces. He couldn’t rely on Calum his whole life, that just not how life works. Michael needs to learn how to fix himself. That’s why he was doing this, that why he was forcing himself do to this even though he wanted to puke.  
  
It hadn’t worked, that was pretty fucking obvious when he started bawling like a baby, he had done the exact same thing with the duvet he had done _that night_ , thinking that maybe he would be able to handle it but the second the soft duvet cover rubbed against his stomach he felt ill, but it wasn’t until he lay his head down (ignoring the nausea) on the pillows and breathed in did he truly start to cry. They smelled like Calum, it wasn’t a smell that could be described, you know? How do you describe a smell?  
  
A rose smells like a rose, grass smells like grass, grilled cheese smells like grilled cheese and well, Calum just smelt like Calum. It was truly indescribable, enchanting and intoxicating and fuck, Michael had missed that smell being so close to him. He absolutely adored Calums smell, it made him feel at home, being wrapped in the younger boys arms or to have Calum wrapped in his, pressed against him so tightly that all of Michael's scenes were engulfed by the younger boys scent. So of course, the second the familiar aroma had filled the air in Michael’s nostrils the tears were automatic, he wanted Calum so fucking badly. He wanted it to be real, he wanted to actually have Calum there, to be wrapped in the younger’s arms, he wanted to feel his body and here his loud breathing as he slept, he wanted to see his eyes flutter closed and open as he fell asleep and woke up, he wanted to see the way his lips would part ever so slightly when his jaw slacked in his sleep, Michael wanted to be completely surrounded by Calums scent as he too fell asleep.  
  
The hardest part of course is that Michael can have all of this, it can all be real, Michael just needed to man the fuck up and tell Calum what the fuck is going on. If he could just let himself go, let everything out and be out in the open he could have Calum with him, he could have everything he wants.  
  
Michaels far too consumed by his thoughts and surrounded by his own cries of despair and agony that he doesn’t register the door opening, he doesn’t hear Calum's not so soft gasp of shock and pure heart break and he doesn’t hear him close the door softly behind him, or how he removes his own clothes as quickly as he possibly can until he is only in his boxers. Michael really only accepts and realises that his boyfriend is present when he feels two strong and familiar arms wrap around him from behind pulling him away from the bundled up duvet and pillow and instead submerging and surrounding him what he had wanted and been craving all along. Calum.  
  
“shh Mikey, shh, its okay, you’re okay, im okay, everything is okay” Calum hums into his still distraught boyfriends ear, Michael was laying basically half on top of Calum, his arms bent under him (his elbow was digging into Calum kinda uncomfortably – but Calum was okay with that) and his hands up at his face, trying to smother his own sobs, Calum had both his arms wrapped tight around Michaels upper body, one arm was rubbing comfortingly up and down his back, trying to help even out his breathing and help him relax, hoping that it would help ease his boyfriends tears. The other was resting on the back of his neck, playing with the tips of his hair, he knew Mikey loved this and he hoped it would relax him more.  
  
It took a long while, but Michaels breathing eventually evened out, not so much because he had calmed down, but because he had fallen fast asleep from pure exhaustion and honestly Calum thought that was for the best, tonight, right now was not the time to talk about it, while Michael was in this state, it wasn’t right, they would talk tomorrow. They had to talk tomorrow, Calum wasn’t going to let Michael destroy himself with whatever it was plaguing his mind any longer. It wasn’t safe and it wasn’t healthy and it wasn’t good for their relationship, and their relationship was the most important thing to Calum in the whole entire world.  
  
Calum wasn’t soon to follow Michael into the land of the unconscious, his mind still awake and alive with worry and doubt and fear. He just wanted Michael to trust him, he just wanted what he had right now, Michael in his arms, to become normal again, he needed it to. He needed their normality back or he would go crazy. Eventually he did fall asleep, thinking about how much he loved Michael and how much he fucking loved having his boyfriend in his arms again, he just wished it had been under different circumstances he had gotten to cuddle up to his boyfriend once more.

 

*~**~*

  
Luke had had enough, he had had enough of having to lie to Ashton and to Calum, he was done being the bearer of Michael’s secret, not that he didn’t love the older boy or want to help him in every single way he could, of course he did but enough was enough, after last night Luke knew this was getting out of hand. He had spent half his morning preparing a speech about how he was giving Michael a week to tell Calum the truth or he would tell Calum himself, how Michael needed to trust Calum and how he needed to trust himself enough to tell Calum etc etc.  
  
Luke was always an early riser so Michael wasn’t exactly surprised to find him already awake and dressed and fed when he wakes up (slipped from Calum’s hold quickly and as quietly as possible, the younger deserved his sleep) and makes his way downstairs. What does surprise him however is the way Luke looks at him, with determination (maybe a little fear and panic mixed in there but they don’t talk about that)and grabs his hand, leading him outside and pushing him down in one of the sun loungers they have out there.  
  
“Look Michael, about this whole thing it needs to be sorted, and soo-“ Luke starts saying, wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible, but he doesn’t eve get out a sentence,  
  
“he walked in on me crying last night.” Is all Michael says, sighing loudly before continuing, “he came in and held me and showed me so much love and affection and we cuddled, I fell asleep on his chest Luke, for the first time I fuck knows how long.”  
  
“Wait so; you let him hold you last night?” Luke whisper exclaimed even though they were outside and nothing would wake Ashton and Calum in the first place, it just felt more appropriate to whisper.  
  
“well yeah, I mean I didn’t really have a choice about it, I was so distraught, I don’t even know what happened I just had like a total meltdown and he came in and he wrapped in his arms and held me and it was exactly what I’ve wanted, what I’ve needed for the past few weeks and it was perfect, minus my crying of course.” Michael rushes out, he can’t help it,  
  
“but then this morning, fuck, I woke up and I needed a cigarette and I was _hungry_ and lying on his chest and I felt like I was suffocating and I was so sure that I must have been fucking crushing him, I was basically on top of him, fuck Luke, I cant do this, I cant keep feeling like this. It was so perfect last night, I really thought it was all going to be okay again when I feel asleep, I was so sure I was going to be fine, I thought I had gotten over it, I thought that just maybe I would be able to accept that Cal loves me and that he doest care im fat and repulsive and disgustingly heavy to have lie on top of you, I thought I would be fine, but god, I wasn’t, when I woke up I just wasn’t.  
  
I thought I was fine, last night I felt so free and happy and reassured and loved I was so sure that everything was going to be fine, but its not fine, im not fine, nothing is fucking fine! I thought last night that maybe I wasn’t totally repulsive and disgusting or maybe that Calum just didn’t care that im such a royal fuck up and that I lie to myself an to fans every single day, fuck Luke I pretend that I'm some confident guy, who doesn’t care what he looks like but im not, I care so fucking much and then fans stay stuff like I’ve given them the confidence to be confident and comfortable with themselves and im such a fucking hypocrite, how can I be sending that kind of message to them when I cant even tell it to myself?  
  
And fuck, Calum, fuck I love him so much and he mean the world to me, but damn Luke he deserves so much fucking better than me. Im such a fuck up, I can’t do anything right, all im doing is holding him back from having what he really deserves. I feel like he is forcing himself to stay with me for the bands sake, like I rationally know that he loves me, of course I do, but I can’t help but doubt it as well, like I hate myself so fucking much how could anyone else possibly love me if I cant even like myself never mind love myself? And like all im doing is making him miserable! He would be like a million times better off without me!  
  
I love him so fucking much, it actually pains me how much I love him and I want nothing more than for him to be happy, but im obviously not making him happy anymore, how can I be? All I've done for the past month or is push him away, physically and emotionally, I've actually done everything I can to make him not want to be with me because it would be so much better if he just ended it with me, everyone would be so much better off, especially Calum. Like I love him so much, but I don’t know if it’s healthy anymore, I want nothing more than to tell him everything.  
  
I wanna tell him everything I'm telling you right now, I want to tell him about hating myself, and chain smoking, and thinking about relapsing and how after every time I eat I want to puke but don’t because I think of him and how much it would hurt him, but then thinking about him just hurts me more. I know he loves me, I know he does, and fuck I love him so much as well, so fucking much, but that’s what’s hurting me because I know he could do so much better, he loves me despite my fucking vile body, my flaws my scars, he loves me even though im a gigantic fuck up and im awkward and stupid and clumsy and fuck, he loves me despite all of that and that should make me feel loved right? The fact that he loves me? I should feel safe and honoured, and I do, but more than anything I feel _guilty_ , I feel that by loving me he is missing out on so much, because he deserves so much more, so much better than me, god that boy deserves the fucking world.”  
  
Michael cries silently for a while, Luke doesn’t really know how to react, so he moves quietly and quickly to sitting beside him, he lets Michael pull a packet of cigarettes and a  lighter from his pocket and he doesn’t comment when the older lights one, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply before exhaling. Luke can’t deny he is a little relieved to see the younger’s breathing evening out, Michael swaps the cigarette between his hands, eventually settling with it in the one furthest away from Luke before he drops his head onto Luke’s shoulder. Again, Luke doesn’t comment when smoke swells in front of his face, he simply closes his mouth and doesn’t breathe for a few seconds.  
  
“It would be for the better if I just ended it, before both of us get even ore hurt, because im hurting him and I hate that more than anything. I just,” he sighs, flicking the now finished cigarette across the fence, he lifts his head dropping it into his hands, “ I just don’t know anymore Luke, I really don’t, maybe everything would be easier if I broke up with him”  
  
Luke knows Michael is done for now, he can tell that the older has nothing else to say, no more words of self hatred or fear can be spoken. Of course Michael had spoken to Luke before, but never like this, Michael had never snapped the way he just had, whenever they had talked it had been about Michael alone, about him and his weight, they had never gone into the depth Michael just went into about Calum and Michaels relationship and Luke felt sick, he felt even sicker when he hears the soft “Fuck” and saw Michaels eyes fly open. They were both sitting facing away from the door so neither had noticed Calum approaching. They both whipped around to face him, already seeing tears running down his cheeks,  
  
“fuck, Cal, how long have you been standing there?” Luke asks, Michael is spluttering and choking, tears streaming down his already wet cheeks.  
  
“Long e-fucking-nough,” Calum spits, “If you don’t want to be together Michael you could have just ended it weeks ago instead of fucking me around like this.” And with that, he’s gone, tears of anger rolling down his cheeks as he turns around and marches back up the stairs, Luke and Michael hear the door upstairs slamming from all the way outside, and it’s the loud noise that really shakes Michael into action.  
  
“FUCK!” he yells loudly, frustration evident as he pulls on his hair, “Fuck fuck fuck fuck, no, why if he was going to hear anything would he only hear that part? He thinks I don’t want to be with him!!” Michael shouts at Luke in anger, its not the youngest boys fault, but he is there.  
  
“Do you want to be with him? I mean, you said its causing you pain! Maybe this _is_ for the best Mikey,” Luke knows immediately that it’s totally the wrong and right thing to say, Michael had doubted his and Calums relationship but now that there was a chance it was actually over or going to end Michael realises that he needs Calum, he needs their relationship. That’s what Luke wanted, he wants Mikey to realise how stupid he was being, and if they determination in Michael’s eyes (the most emotion other than pain and depression that had been seen in them in a while) isn’t enough to reassure Luke that, yeah, Michael realised, they way he urns and sprints into the house after Calum surely does.  
  
“Calum!! Let me in, please let me explain,” Michael yells banging on their bedroom door with his fist, there is no reply, “Calum Tomas Hood, all you have wanted from me in the past few weeks is for me to talk, im ready to talk I want to explain, I want to tell you everything, please” he begs again, trying to make Calum understand, trying to make him open the door.  
  
Michael hears a slight bang against the door and soft sobs, Calum is sitting against the door, and he probably banged the back of his head, because Calum does this adorable thing when he’s upset where he screws up his eyes (trying not to cry), rubs his temples with one hand and throws his head back. “Calum I know you can hear me,” Michael says softer, sliding down the door as well, leaning his own head back against it, “I don’t want to break up with you, not in the slightest, like, that’s the very last thing I want, trust me. you got the wrong end of the stick, I want to be with you, I've always wanted to be with you and I always will, please just let me talk, let me explain.” Michael begs again, he hears a light sigh, before a small “ok, talk.”  
  
“I cant from out here Cal, please, I need to see you, this is so hard cal, you have no idea, I cant, I cant put it into words this way, I don’t know how to explain it to you if I cant see you,” Mikey tries to ration, “I don’t know what im going to say, I don’t know how im going to say it, but I know if I see you it will all just come tumbling out, please open the door Calum.”  
  
“No. Michael, no, tell me what’s so fucking important that you think it would be easier if we broke up,” the sneer in Calums voice when he says easier tears Michaels heart in two, “go on then, what is it?”  
  
“it wouldn’t be easier, fuck, I don’t even know why I said that, if I didn’t have you cal I don’t know what I would do with myself, I probably wouldn’t be here trying to explain anything to you, I probably wouldn’t be alive, nothing, I repeat nothing would ever be easier if we broke up, I don’t know what I was thinking when I said that, im just, im confused and im tired and im upset and I hate myself so fucking much Calum, you have no idea. I literally fucking hate every single thing about myself, and fuck, I don’t know how to say this to you, im so scared Calum, im fucking terrified, I love you so much and all I’ve done is hurt you, over and over and I just, I want you to know I didn’t mean it, I need you, I need you, I don’t even just want to be with you forever, I need to be but fuck you deserve so much better than me. you are a fucking angel Calum, you’re actually a gift to humanity, so kind and pure and loving and generous and fuck, im just a gigantic fuck up, im fat and stupid and awkward and ugly and im not kind or loving, im not a nice person, all I do is hurt people, and fuck how can-“  
  
Michael is cut off from his own rant when he falls backwards, the door to their bedroom having been pulled open and a far too solemn Calum standing on the other side, he looks down at Michael, sees the way his eyes are glistening and tears are rolling down his cheeks and his hands are shaking like fuck, and he's breathing deeply considering how quickly he had been talking. Calum feels his heart clench and his stomach tighten, what the fuck was going on with his boyfriend.  
  
"Come in." Is all he says, even though he wants nothing more than to gather Michael in his arms and hold him until they both fall asleep but he can't do that. He needs Michael to talk to him, he needs to know the truth.  
  
Michael scampers off the floor so quickly e almost falls over again (if the situation had been different Calum would have laughed at him) and stands, awkwardly, in the middle of the room as Calum closes the door, he watched his boyfriend walk from the door to the bed, sitting on top of the covers and leaning against the wall, he sighs before nodding at Michael who had started to fidget by pulling his sleeves further over hands,  confirmation that it's okay for him to sit on the bed as well. Michael does, moving slowly, he sits diagonal to Calum, against the adjacent wall, hell pulls his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around them, making himself as small as possible.  
  
"I don't even know where to start Cal, fuck, I don't, I'm so sorry." Michael finally stammers out, a fresh wave of tears over coming him.  
  
"The beginning would be good" Calum replies quietly, a sense of encouragement lacing the almost venomous words. Michael feels a little bit better.  
  
"I'm not good enough for you, that's pretty much the bottom line, I just, I'm so disgusting, like why are you even with me? I'm a piece of shit on your shoe and you're a ray of sunshine. Im actually vile! Im fat and rude and fucked up in the head and I just, I cant fucking do this anymore. I actually just want to die! I cant keep living like this, and fuck Luke’s the only person who noticed, I’ve changed the way I dress, I’ve stopped eating nearly as much as I did, I smoke whenever I feel hungry because it make it go away, fuck, I’ve been close to making myself puke on multiple occasions, I’ve nearly relapsed almost every day for last week, but fuck Calum you are the only thing making it even the tiniest bit easier. What I said outside, what I said before, I didn’t mean it, I just, I feel so guilty about being with you!”  
  
“Mikey what the fuck!” Calum finally bursts, “how could you keep all of this from me?!”  
  
“I was scared Cal, I was fucking terrified,  I thought I would tell you and you’d realise I was right and leave me, or that you’d just laugh at me and tell me im being pathetic because fucking hell I am pathetic. I was terrified to admit it, it makes it so real, I’ve only talked to Luke like twice about and that because he liked walked in on me in the bathroom looking in the mirror and like I think he just guessed what was going on, I don’t know. But if I was to talk to you about it, I just, I don’t know Cal I was just so scared, of how you would react, of actually talking about it,” he was just rambling now, no order to what he was saying, “I don’t know what to tell you Cal, I love you, but you are so much better off without me! Loving you, god it’s not supposed to be this hard is it? and no, wait that came out wrong, loving you isn’t that hard part, fuck loving you is effortless, its something I’ve always felt and always will feel, its natural for me to love you, but I cant cope with this anymore. I hate myself more and more every single day because all I do is hurt you, you don’t deserve to get hurt. You deserve so much more than me, fuck you deserve the world Calum, and I cant give you that anymore, all im doing is making you miserable!”  
  
“Mikey, you are my world,” Calum replies quietly, all the anger about what he had heard downstairs gone, he understands (kind of) what Michael is trying to say, he grabs onto Michaels wrists, only just then noticing the way his finger tips touch as he does, Michael really had lost a lot of weight. He pulls the older boy forward, Michael not expecting it might as well have fallen flat onto Calum because suddenly Michael is lying on top of the Kiwi boy and Michael can honestly say he thinks he might be sick.  
  
“You say I deserve the world, well goddamn that must mean I deserve you, because fuck, you're perfect for me. You're fucking perfect period Michael, I don’t know where you ever got the idea that you weren’t because you are. I love you so much Michael Gordon Clifford and I can't believe I've been so oblivious to everything you’ve been feeling!” Michael tries to shake himself away from the boy beneath him, but Calum isn't allowing it, He needs Michael to be in his arms, he needs to know he is protecting the boy he loves with all his heart, “Im so mad at myself, I was so angry at you for pushing me away, I thought you didn’t want to be with me anymore, I thought you didn’t love me anymore Michael, I was so scared, I've never been so terrified in my whole life, I thought I was gonna lose you and fuck that’s the worst thing that could ever happen to me, please don’t leave me Mikey, please.” Calum begs, his head buried in Michaels neck and Michael doesn’t even know what to think anymore, Calum seems genuinely terrified, as if losing him would be the worst thing in the world.  
  
“I would never leave you Cal, but fuck, you should leave me, and I’m not good for you Calum! I'm not good _enough_ for you Calum, you deserve so much more than me okay!”  
  
“no Mikey, that’s such bullshit and you know it, I don’t care what you think I deserve, that’s not important, you are what I want, you’re what I’ve always fucking wanted, ever since I was like twelve yeas old and discovered what wanting someone was its always fucking been you! Always! I don’t give a shit what you think about yourself or how you see yourself because everything you thinks a fucking lie Michael you are fucking beautiful, so effortlessly perfect, you are not disgusting, your body is not vile, you're not repulsive or any of those things, and damn Mikey you are 100% not fat. You are so thin!” Calum exclaims, he genuinely doesn’t understand where all of this had come from, Michael had never had body issues before.  
  
“no im not, my stomach Calum, fuck it's huge, I fucking hate it, it's so podgy and flabby and fuck, it's fucking vile, I don’t understand how you can even bare to touch me, how can you wrap your arms round my waist and feel _that_ , feel the flab and” Michael visibly shivers, he is so disgusted by himself and it doesn’t go unnoticed by Calum, he sees it and he understands.  
  
“Michael. I. Do. Not. Care.” He says slowly, punctuating each word individually, “you are thin, but yeah maybe your stomach isn’t the flattest in the world, but that just cause you don’t have much muscle, if you worked out, which you definitely don't need to, but if you really wanted I would help you tone up, as I said it makes no difference to me if you do or not but if you think it would make you feel better, if you think it would make you feel better about yourself then I'd help you do it normally as healthily,  it would harden up your stomach and you could have abs, but I don’t want you to have abs, if you had abs you wouldn’t be my Mikey, if you didn’t have your little bits of puppy chub that never really went away you wouldn’t be you, but I wouldn't love you any less if you decided that's what you wanted." Calum says putting emo again , he doesn't know if he is even helping the older by saying this but he means it, "Who cares if you’re not toned or muscley or have a perfectly flat tummy, well not me that’s for sure. I literally couldn’t give a fuck, I fucking love you Michael, isn’t that enough?”  
  
“But how can you love me when I can’t love myself?” Michael whispers, what Calum said really hit home, he basically told Michael that everything he thought about himself was true, just not to the extent, where Michael saw _obesity_ and _fat_ Calum just saw puppy fat that could be so easily removed, and he didn’t care about it, he knew it was there and wasn’t disgusted by it? that just didn’t make sence to Michael, “you and Luke and Ashton are so fucking perfect, so built and toned and fit and im just here a fat slob in the background, you’re all fucking perfect and I'm just so not!”  
  
“Michael, you are perfect! Stop talking about yourself like this, please stop arguing with me, there is so much more we need to talk about, why you didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to me about this, why you didn’t tell me you have started smoking, why you told Luke and not me, why you thought I wouldn’t love you, because clearly you don’t trust me or know me well enough if you really do think that. I couldn’t and will never not be completely and totally 100% in love with you Michael. You have my heart and no one ever has or ever will get close to taking it from you!”

  
“okay, fine, okay,” Michael sighs, he still doesn’t believe anything Calum is saying, but he can accept it, if Calum thinks he is perfect then that enough for him, no matter what he thinks about himself, if he knows, and damn it he doesn’t know now, that Calum still loves him the same, and still wants to be with him the same and thinks that he is perfect and still want to be with him then who the fuck is Michael to argue with that?  
  
“What?” Calum asks  
  
“if you love me that’s all that matters, what I think, what I feel, we can change, we can work on it, make it better yeah? You'll make me better right?” Michael asks in a small voice, he really doesn’t want to hate himself, he doesn’t want to feel the way he feels, and he knows now that he will always need Calum to make him feel okay again.  
  
“Of course, Mikey, of course, ill be here for you all the time, always, you know you can always come and talk to me yeah? No matter what! Im honestly shocked you didn’t at first, I really wish you had babe, I could have stopped this before it got out of hand, but now you’ve convinced yourself of all these things and you see yourself so negatively, this is gonna be hard Mikey, or well, its not going to be easy, but if I have to remind you every single day for the rest of our fucking lives that I love you, that you are perfect, that you are fucking beautiful, I will. If that’s what it takes then god damn that is exactly what im going to do.” Calum answers him, and really it’s exactly what Michael needs to here.  
  
“Now, Michael Gordon Clifford, would you do me the honour of joining me in a long overdue day of extreme cuddling, maybe followed by ice cream?”  
  
"It would be _my_ honour Cal," Michael says, a real smile on his face for the first time in weeks, adding a whispered "thank you."  
  
"Thank you for what Mikey?" Calum asks quietly as his boyfriend snuggles in closer to him for the first time in far too long.  
  
"For loving me, for not giving up on me when I gave up on myself, for being you." Michael mumbles back, his eyes dropping shut with exhaustion.  
  
"I wouldn't have it any other way, Mikey, I love you"  
  
"I love you too,"  
  
They lie in silence for a few minuets, perfectly content just lying in each other's arms and surrounded by each other scents.  
  
"Cal?" Michael breaks the silence with a questioning tone, his boyfriends name leaving his lips in nothing but a whispered sigh,  
  
"Yeah babe?" Calum answers him, knowing that whatever Mikey asked he would do, hed do absolutely anything if the older boy asked him to.   
  
"Can you sing to me? 'Passenger seat' by The Summer Set? I wanna fall asleep listening to you sing our song" he says, a little embarrassed by the request, but the ridiculously bright smile on Calum's face at the request is enough to lessen his embarrassment as he lets himself fall into a deep sleep, the last thing he hears is Calum singing the chorus of their own song, the song that Calum told Michael would always mean the world to him, because it was listening to that song Calum had realised he was in love with Michael, thinking about their friendship at the time, everything they did together and how the song just seemed to have been written for them.  
  
Michael truly has swept Calum off his feet, and Calum wouldn't change it for the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> WELL THERE YOU HAVE IT
> 
> i really hope you liked this and i didn't kill anyone bc feels
> 
> i cried like three times while writing this
> 
> love me
> 
> please


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